Tuesday 1 April 2014

Why I want my kids to fail.

With the Summer Term looming on the horizon, I read Prince Andrew's views on "Failure" with interest, and felt them particularly appropriate in the context of next term with its exams, sports fixtures and competitions. ("One minute read" version available here.)

I do firmly believe that we have become too frightened of letting our children "fail", miss out or become disappointed. How many place little gifts in every layer of "Pass the Parcel"? How many give prizes equally to everyone at parties, competitions and events?

How many schools actually have real winners on Sports Day?




It is such a travesty that so few Primary Schools in particular feel it is "right" or "fair" to hold a competitive event each year. I have had to endure seven years of the most excruciatingly painful events where "everyone's a winner" but the reasoning behind them is just so intrinsically flawed.

"We can't all be good at Sport and it isn't fair on the less able." Is the excuse I usually hear. But how about the classroom then? Because there are *always* those more able in maths, literacy etc. and I doubt (and seriously hope) no one would advocate holding the more able back to allow everyone to catch up in class? I know it isn't a popular idea that very academically able children have Special Needs (i.e. recognition that they need extra support/attention/consideration to help them realise their potential, avoid boredom and lack of attention and progress because they can become quickly disillusioned) but deliberately holding the most able back would be so very, very wrong.

So why do we do it on the sports field? 

Firstly it is rarely the academically gifted who shine at sport and it gives everyone a valuable alternative environment to compete. I know several children who live for their one day of glory having struggled all year in class they sweep the medals board each Sports Day. The same was true when my Mum was teaching years ago. She has many stories to tell of children who found their niche and self confidence in sporting activities.

Then there are those who are just not naturally good at something in particular - it's far better to focus on their strengths and help them find they "niche" than pretend we are all good at everything. My daughter is tiny, she hadn't a hope at her Sports Day High Jump (and indeed had to be lifted over the bar!) but she had a fun time trying, didn't mind in the least that she didn't win this event and more than made up for her lack of success that day when she excelled dancing at a fete two days later.


Life isn't fair, and trying to make it so sets our children up for a different kind of failure, albeit not the one we are so desperate to protect them from.  And in any case, children DO need to learn how to fail, and as Prince Andrew says success should not be automatic, there needs to be a learning process behind it, and part of that is a general assumption that failure is possible - even likely - but can be learned from.

“failure is not something to be afraid of or something to feel guilty about, because so much of life is about understanding failure and the lessons to be learnt from failure”




We seem to have this absurd idea that failure and success run in opposite directions. "Failure" has become become such a loaded word but is normal and expected to fail at some things in life and it can be a springboard for success.  It's all about balance too, too many children are exposed to such failures in the classroom throughout the year, but without the learning process essential for them to appreciate and learn from it or the alternative opportunities to succeed.

Trying to create the proverbial level playing field is neither fair, feasible or advisable. It also makes us as adults look pretty stupid, because the children are not daft and know *exactly* who is best at which event and more often than not feel cheated and fobbed off when offered a paltry sticker. Our children are tougher and more savvy than we give them credit for being. They certainly don't expect - and most wouldn't want - an artificially "safe" environment. It's like Health and Safety gone mad all over again but this time interfering with our children's emotional curriculum. You don't have to unkind or uncaring, just realistic. Most primary teachers are innately good at this in any case, and if children are taught to deal with disappointment at a young age in an appropriate setting, whilst being given alternative opportunities to succeed it can only be beneficial.

The real world - be it the Natural World, the Animal Kingdom or Human Society is competitive at all levels from start to finish. Pretending otherwise is to deny the essence of life itself. So bring back reading schemes, House points/credits and grading in our primary schools, the kids love it, they know where they are and it is the most realistic and useful preparation for life after school.

Celebrate success at every level, recognise effort but don't demean outstanding achievement in any field for fear of upsetting someone. Otherwise there are no winners - only precious, emotionally overprotected individuals who go under the first time they don't get a prize in the proverbial Pass the Parcel. And that's really not good preparation for life in the real world.

As C.S.Lewis said "Failures are finger posts on the road to achievement."



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Kiddycharts Blog

35 comments:

  1. Kids need to know how it is to fail because in the real world we do not succeed at everything. I always used to let Joseph win games but on the odd occassion I didn't he was heart broken. So I stopped letting him win all the time and tried to teach him that in life you cannot win at everything. This has made him a better looser most of the time, he still hates loosing but he now accepts it x

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  2. This is such a well written and thought provoking post. I agree that failing is not something to be frowned upon and i think it's important that children get to experience competition and failure because its what drives them to succeed and do better next time. Not everyone is successful at things first time around, you just need to get back up and try again. xxx

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  3. I think this is a great post and it's true, we do all go out of our way to make everyone feel ok...but that means the ones who do really well can never have the true feeling of success which is also important. Also everyone has their own strengths at different things and we shouldn't feel bad about not being so good at one thing and better at something else...

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  4. Thought provoking post. Can i confess that I view schools here as a bit of a softie? Your views hits the spot. #letkidsbekids

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  5. I never understood why they have the non-competitiveness of sports days - it never did us any harm!

    Without failures, we can't learn. Without learning, we can't grow.

    A thought provoking post x

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  6. gret post but i have to agree , i loved sports day wehn i was a kid, the competitvness always made it more fun, the kids these days have no need to do their best when theres always a draw and everyone wins, it only fun

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  7. I think kids should be allowed to fail or lose. It is part of life, I think some approaches are too soft. Great post x

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  8. Very thought provoking. I was a primary school teacher and got so frustrated. Luckily the school were great at dealing with it, but somrtimes it was parents. Children had to wait until their handwriting was legible and fairly neat before using pen. By the end of the term, 4 out of the30 kids weren't using pen. One parent complained and said the child should be given a pen,or the rest should be made to write in pencil until they were all good enough - effectively askingmeto hold the rest of the class back !

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  9. I agree whole-heartedly with this post and the CS Lewis quote is a good one for me at the moment, I'm back studying after 20 years and guilty of always wanting my first attempts (in my first year of a four year course!) to be perfect!

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  10. Really thought provoking post. I do not mind schools distributing prizes for all at pre-school level. Cause in my girl's school they are clearly told that the prizes are for the effort you put in. However, as she goes up I do want the schools to make her aware that there is a winner and we might lose. Losing is not end of the world. This is such a brilliant post.
    #letkidsbekids

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  11. I agree with you. Life is like that, some people win and some lose. But it doesn't mean they can't win at something else. We need to prepare our children for the reality of living in this competitive world. Wonderful post!

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  12. I totally agree. I have never liked the sports days where everyone is a winner. Children need to learn about not always being the 'best' , it doesn't make them a failure, just someone else did it even better on that day. It is part of learning about life, we are not all good at everything, they need to learn.
    Thanks for sharing #LetKidsBeKids

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  13. I completely agree with you even though I'm not a mum myself. Losing is not the end of the world, we should learn from ;)

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  14. This is such a well written post and so true, failure and learning from our mistakes is part of life and one we shouldn't be afraid of teaching. It allows us to be prepared for the adult world and how to manage our emotions. x

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  15. Completely agree - I wrote about this last year as I genuinely think we're not teaching our children what the real world is like when everyone wins x x

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  16. I completely agree. I was useless at sport as a child and would pretty much always come last but I had great fun all the same. We all found our niche and it turned out I wasn't much good at art either, but I was good at science and would win the odd award for my projects. It can be a hard lesson to learn but an important one nonetheless

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  17. Brilliant post - I couldn't agree more. I was academically inclined as a child and useless at sports and Sports Day to me was the ultimate day of hell but I can't stand the namby pamby rubbish they call sports day at our school. Even the kids are bored by it and as both my girls are a bit like me they would probably do really badly at a normal sports day but they should learn that that is life. I have campaigned to get our sports day to be more competitive in the knowledge that my kids will probably hate it and come close to last but that's the way it should be. Bring back competition!

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  18. My daughter failed to make the school swimming team recently and was very upset. Although she's a good swimmer she'd hardly practised recently so others were faster - whilst it was a harsh lesson I think it was a good one for her to experience!

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  19. Couldn't agree more. I think it's part of a school responsibility to teach children how to survive in the real world and with that comes dealing with disappointment and failure. What we need to deal is how to cope with this, not protect from it ever happening in the first place!

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  20. Failure is a part of life... without it there would be no success.
    I believe that everyone can succeed in something, we just have to find what this "something" is

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  21. I read this post while nodding a great deal and inwardly saying "I hear ya!" - I was academic and sporty at school, and enjoyed my successes - for a few years I was being bullied and those successes quite literally kept me sane. This "everyone's a winner" thing is so flawed. I regularly play the Shopping List Game with Aaron, and at first he hated losing but we worked on him, till we got it so that losing just makes him want to play again. I have taught him now that losing is not bad, it is just not winning. He's then THRILLED when he does win, which on that game is VERY often for some reason LOL. Really agree with your post and well done on writing it in such a comprehensive way. I think you'd even get people who started off disagreeing with you to agree x

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  22. hear hear, children do need to learn to take the rough with the smooth. xx

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  23. This is just such a refreshing read! I don't get the everyone's a winner philosophy, we might be, but not in everything or the same stream...I believe everyone has something different to offer. I grew up in a rigorous school environment where winning was hard, but expected...I failed more than several times, and that's what defined me more than my 'wins'. It's so important to fail, and fail with courage and knowledge. It's a hard thing to inculcate that in children today...

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  24. Isn't it interesting that everyone who has posted here (and you can add my name to the list) agrees with what you are saying yet the powers that be and our schools still seem to think otherwise? I was that clever child academically who was appalling on the playing field and I learnt to deal with my sporting inadequacies, channelling my efforts into trying to improve .... I never really got much better but it made me try and probably made me better at sport than had I been in a school where everyone was a "winner". Here in France there is no such attitude and everyone is positively encouraged to do their best possible and I am sure the end result is better rounded children who push themselves to improve.

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  25. Great post. It frustrates me massively to see kids rewarded for failure and though I am quick to praise mine for doing well, I can also be quite harsh reminding them that there is a minimum expectation level for most things. Thanks for linking up to #MumdayMonday

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  26. What a fantastic post. I wholeheartedly agree. When we play games with Grace at home we NEVER just let her win. She needs to understand what it is like to fail so she can appreciate the successes a whole lot more!! It is such an important life lesson to learn. #MumdayMonday :) x

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  27. Great post.
    I completely agree, kids need to learn that they can't win at everything - it's character building and sets them up for the grown up tough world.

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  28. really great well witeen post hun! thank you! #mumdaymonday

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  29. What an interesting post. I think it's very important that kids know how to handle failure, it prepares them for real life, unfortunately they can't win everything. I try and emphasise that it's the trying, trying their hardest, and trying again if they fail that's the most important thing. #MumdayMonday

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  30. Great post. I count myself fortunate that they have winners and losers at our sports day. It is so important that they realise that they can't win every time. #MumdayMonday

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  31. I absolutely agree. My eldest is average in the classroom but a legend in sports. Thankfully her secondary school celebrates this but I remember that primary didnt.

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  32. A very well thought argument here, and one I completely agree with. I grew up very dysfunctionally and left home at 15. I had to learn through failure many times, but feel I'm a much stronger and more capable person (& parent) because of it.

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  33. You make some hugely valid points here. My daughter is doing very well academically but does not have a competitive bone in her body. She's only seven so maybe that will come. But, at sports day this year, I was disappointed to see there was no element of competition involved at all...and like you pointed out, there are so many children where sport is what they excel at and it should be recognised. Love the C.S Lewis quote at the end too.

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  34. I 100% agree - in fact if I could agree more than that I would! We have a competitive Sports Day at my kids' school, and there are winners and losers...and we never let my son or daughter win. My son is till not great at losing anything as he has a very competitive edge, but he IS getting better and THAT is because we don't pander to him wanting to win all the time. Sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn't - and he DESERVES to when he has managed to win as well. Thanks so much for linking this up to the Parenting Pin it Party this week. xx

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Many thanks for taking the time to comment, I really value your responses.

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