Friday 15 May 2015

Somewhere over the rainbow...

Once upon a time there was a little girl called Kate. She spent much of her time playing with her dolls, imagining the day when she would have real babies of her own. As that little girl grew up, she spent most of her free time baby-sitting, with babies and children, making plans for the future.

But you know what they say about planning too far in advance!

I always wanted a large family, ideally 4 or 5 children. However I hadn’t bargained on the chronic health and developmental issues my brood share between them - or our shared infertility. We managed to delude ourselves that #3 would be free of gastro issues and were utterly in denial over our second son’s Autism at that point, but when #3 turned out to be #3 AND #4 we realised we had as much as we could cope with. Possibly more at times….. It was a no-brainer deciding that we are done!!



That, however is different from "feeling" you're done. I do really miss the tiny baby thing, wish like hell that I could do the early months again with any of them without reflux and pain, I feel really cheated on that score. The constant screaming was a bit wearing when everyone else seemed to get at least 10 minutes a day cuddling their new babies - and unless you have survived on less than 4 hours sleep for months on end you won’t appreciate how much we were “surviving” rather than living.

So, secure in the knowledge I couldn’t cope with more children - and honestly not wanting more health issues to deal with - I parted with the buggy, packed the slings away and passed on most of our baby and small-person clutter. I felt somewhat sad that I was "moving on" but great excitement too, it was both a cathartic and liberating process as I made that positive step across the bridge. Indeed there are huge positives in looking forwards not back, scary though it may be. I might have spent the first twenty-four years of my life dreaming of babies of my own, but the reality is that children grow, and it's also very true that each stage brings more opportunities and excitement. I truly relish every chance to share all my children's experiences, and teenagers are significantly less scary than social media would have you believe! Maybe I’m just lucky, but my older two are fabulous company and I am secretly dreading next year when my eldest spreads his wings and leaves for university.

I've been thinking a lot about this lately, hitting the menopause early has precipitated much soul-searching and reflection. Its one of life's crossroads, as trivial or as mountainous as you choose to make it I guess, but it certainly contributes to feeling at least a decade older than my years most days, this feeling of ageing initiating further reflection. Having made the transition relatively painlessly several years ago the past year has taken me by surprise.

My husband has become a grandfather, my brother now has a baby, and my neighbour is expecting. Suddenly I’m immersed in the world of tiny beings again - and they are not mine. More painful still, their development is not marred by health issues and they seem happy and relatively settled. But the shield I threw up for self protection also numbs my feelings towards these tiny people, and I feel less longing than I expected to hold or cuddle them, scared that if I reach out my emotions will be released and the pain of acknowledging that phase of my life - the only one I ever envisaged - is not only well and truly over but that it never was how I dreamt it. Perhaps the most terrifying prospect is that I will be forced to face the grief every parent with a child with chronic disability or illness hides from.... The reality that you love them utterly and completely for whom they are, but you would - in all honesty - prefer that they (and you) did not have to face the daily struggles which are a part of your everyday life.

And that’s the problem. Because that wall exists to prevent me from entertaining this self-indulgent and ungrateful thought - the cold hard truth that having a child with special needs of any kind is a raw grief as much as it is a celebration. It’s a grief I can never get through without embracing it - and that I will never allow myself to do because it would feel like I was letting my children down hugely.

My children are my world, and their future my focus. Life is never dull on our family rollercoaster and I believe the past 17+ years has made me a better person. Even entertaining the possibility that any bit of it could have been different would release those almost unbearable emotions, and altering anything even the slightest bit would not only devalue our journey, but who they are.

And really they are all pretty damn awesome.




So I was “done” adding to my family a long time ago. I’m not sure I will ever know in my heart that I’m done, but it’s not a bad place to be. And somewhere over the rainbow, where unicorns fly, where I have children with no “issues” or difficulties, and there isn’t a hospital in sight one thing is certain - for all that perfection it’s mind-numbingly tedious, and my children are considerably less amazing.

I'll take this parallel universe every time. I never was one for rainbows - or unicorns.

image courtesy of dorena-wm

25 comments:

  1. Fab article Kate. I've been thinking a lot recently about how the process we're going through with M is very much a grieving one - not because he's not amazing (because he really is fab!), but because we're saying goodbye to the child we thought we were going to have whilst I was expecting him. I'm definitely one for our amazing kids - tedious is...well...tedious xxx

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    1. Thanks Rachel, I appreciate you taking the time to comment as I know you've been really busy. This post has been in my head for a while - today I just it was time to sit and write it.

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  2. wow what an emotional post. you are an amazing mother xx

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  3. Such heartfelt writing - what a beautiful mother you are. I often say that when the kids are young we're too exhausted to enjoy them. None of us has a perfect life behind closed doors and I believe in the saying which says if everyone were to put their problems into the middle of a room for swapping - we'd all like to take back our own! I'm sorry you're grieving so strongly and, at 51 - identify completely with what you're saying. Thank you for linking up to #mbpw

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    1. That's a brilliant saying! I will remember that - so true. Thanks for commenting :)

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  4. A very emotional post - you've got me wiping away the tears here... you are awesome xxxxxx

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  5. Oh Kate, my heart goes out to you. I know the feeling. We always wanted a large family, but due t my health issues we had to stop.

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  6. I understand how you feel, I would love a huge family, well we are a larger than average family, but with my health issues we would be stupid to have anymore. I am lucky that mine are healthy, but I am sure you are an amazing mum xxx

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  7. you are amazing each and every day xx

    a very emotional post

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  8. What a lovely post. Your kids are lucky to have you and your precious family is perfect just as it is.

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  9. What an amazing post - what a fantastic person you are, beautiful family. x

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  10. Oh Kate what a wonderful post. You are an amazing mum I'm sure though and you have 4 superstars. It's hard seeing diddlers I know, we only have the one child (she's awesome) but that's how it will stay sadly. Not sure that pang of wanting another bubba goes away does it. Lovely post x

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  11. Such a lovely post. I also have four and love my big family, now Abby is two I can't help but miss that baby stage. I don't think that need for babies will ever leave me

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  12. Such a brilliant post and so many people mention that baby stage, not something I have ever experienced of my own x

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  13. aww biggest hugs lovely, its such a hard thing to come to terms with, after i had my daughter 10 years ago i so didn't want anymore children .. 10 years after I had my son and now i wish we had so many others and that i had not said no for all those years

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  14. im mum to 7 and have another on the way and i for one although never imagined that i would even have one child , imagined i would be mum of 8 , i wouldnt chang it for the world though .

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  15. This is such a well written post. I always knew I wanted three and feel lucky to have them...it must be hard to not know and feel like you have to make a decision.

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  16. It is always a difficult decision. But sometimes, the decision just gets taken out of your hands. I've learnt to be extremely thankful for the blessing that is motherhood.

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  17. Oh, what a wonderful post. You are such an amazing mum!

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  18. you are doing an amazing job , you should be proud weldone

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  19. such a well written post, my heart goes out to you. Thanks for sharing x

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  20. A beautiful post - it is had deciding you are done but you do know when it is true yourself. I keep having others ask when I'm having another but I just can't bring myself to although I have 2 wonderful children that is enough, 7 pregnancies and 2 babies - my world is complete and filled with rainbows

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  21. Its always good to count your blessings really isn't it. To know your won't have any more is a strange feeling but I can't say I wouldtnt want to go through those sleepless nights again I hated them but when I see a baby I do get that out sometimes only sometimes! thats why I do not hold many babies anymore lol.

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  22. Brilliant post. I haven't been through what you have, but after four healthy, happy kids - one after a ten year gap - as much as I count my blessings - and I do - I'll never feel done! I'll just wait for grand children! Kaz x

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Many thanks for taking the time to comment, I really value your responses.

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