Tuesday 27 May 2014

A Marathon not a Sprint

I read an excellent post on another Blog this morning, from  "Chaos in Kent" called "The Good, The Bad and The Ugly" sharing the author's perceptions of navigating life with children who have a complex set of additional needs.

As well as shouting "YES!!" very loudly at the computer as I read, I felt compelled to join her in sharing this reality that is also ours.

Every point was painfully, precisely, tragically and wonderfully spot on. It is the first time I have encountered such a frank and honest review of the turbulent world of parenting those with special needs - and particularly relevant when you have a muddled, ever growing collection of problems, symptoms and diagnoses. How unbelievably refreshing and totally liberating it was to read how I am, in fact, not alone.

A Marathon not a Sprint

Any parent - and particularly any parent in our situation knows they are in it for the long haul. This is not a race in any sense of the word, not a competition, not an enviable, pitiable, questionable or debatable life experience. And acknowledging this precipitates not only a prolonged learning process but a realisation that coping mechanisms are going to be required.

Given that all parents - and all children- are undeniably unique these coping mechanisms are going to be as numerous and varied as those who devise and adopt them. None are better or more worthwhile, none pointless and all are valid. To someone. Challenging these is cruel and uncaring, showing a painful lack of understanding of the complex position that person finds themselves in and acutely painful to the person who has built these supports in to their life. 




Coping mechanisms are like armbands (water wings if you are in the USA!) - inflatables that literally keep your head above water. Empathy doesn't come into it, no one can really empathise properly with anyone else as every situation is different. Acceptance is of far greater use!

I'm thinking of an orange with armbands now...

There are no secret solutions, magical fixes or one-size-fits-all regenerations. Superpowers are self made, born of trial and error.
 But that's not to say for a single second that pity in any form is required, there are many forms of support and encouragement which are valid and helpful. Self preservation is vital, there are no rules, you do what works for you to maintain your energy, capacity to care and most important, your sanity!  

As "Chaos in Kent so accurately wrote:-


  • You will become a secretary, a nurse, a therapist and an advocate for your child
  • You will juggle appointments, therapies and appeals with running a house, other children and for some, holding down a job.

It will at times seem utterly overwhelming but maintaining a perspective is so, SO essential. We all need balance too - but not at the expense of anyone else. Do what you can, don't beat yourself over what you can't and since you landed in Holland not Italy take time to enjoy and appreciate the surroundings. You aren't going anywhere, it's Holland or bust. 


Image courtesy of Keerati / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
There really are some wonderful sights in Holland. You just need a different kit and a new guidebook.

Meanwhile, I will continue to make the rules up as I go along as this is our life experience, our reality, and no one else is likely to "get" it to be in a position to judge. It's a marathon, not a sprint, and I'm focusing on the journey and not a fictional end point. It's not about me, or any individual, we are navigating a course for a family together.

With coffee...












and a totally warped sense of humour.







That's my superpower. What's yours?














Linking up with...







33 comments:

  1. This is relevant no matter how or who you are parenting

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  2. You are so right, superpowers are borne out of trial and error. We can all take something from this

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  3. I love the advice "do what you can and don't beat yourself up over what you can't", perfect for any parent not just those with children with complex needs.

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  4. You are so right, superpowers are borne out of trial and error. We can all take something from this

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  5. seems like a reasonable post, and can be used not just for children with special needs

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  6. great advice, and relevent for all x

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  7. You're right, child-rearing in general is a marathon but when you are navigating complex needs as well, I imagine you're more in ultra-running territory. Here's to the journey being a happy one! x

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  8. Great advice, as usual. Very valid for all children x

    http://www.youbabymummy.com

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  9. This is a great post with some honest advice and important life lessons, i think all parents could learn something from this. xxx

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  10. Great post and love the orange picture! :-)

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  11. Very true - parenting is a marathon - it certainly feels like that some days.

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  12. Fantastic advice, all parents should read. Very honest xxx

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  13. Well said and I can relate to what you say, Kate. x

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  14. To be honest, I much prefer Holland to Italy! Great post - as Jen says, it's relevant regardless of your parenting experience.

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  15. Excellent post with some great points :)

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  16. I couldn't agree more. I remember reading welcome to Holland when I first started attending National Autistic Society meeting and I so understood what it meant. My son (who has Autism) my daughter (who is neuro-typical - we don't use the n word - and not the one Jeremy Clarkson got in trouble for saying) and myself (MS, EDS etc etc) all have our own complex needs. I wouldn't change who my son is for the world, and would move mountains for both my kids. Most certainly a marathon not a sprint (or a wheel around te he he).
    Love Vicky
    Around and Upside Down

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  17. Parenting is definitely a marathon and it is important not to give for the rewards are there if you keep working

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  18. Parenting is more than a full time job and you need a set of skills longer than your arm and patience of a saint. Your advise is very sound.

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  19. this is so beautiful written Kate and a post that many can relate too my lovely thanks for sharing #blogsrus

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  20. I can relate to this too. Great post #BlogsRusLinky.

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  21. What a great post and you are so right we should never judge others, just concentrate on our own goals.

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  22. I am alwats learning some new things everytime I visit your blog. Be it information about special needs or the emotions that one feel. Motherhood is overwhelming already (for me) as it is. I am always looking up to mothers who can do so many things and stay on top of everything. One of those mother for me is you. #pocolo

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  23. Sometimes I forget that self preservation is vital. A happy mum can handle any child. Great post. x

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  24. I often forget about self preservation, a happy mum can deal with any child. thanks for sharing x

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  25. Fantastic article. Thanks for linking up #FamilyFriday

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  26. A great post... Thank you for this! Got me thinking now... :)

    Thanks for linking up to the #blogsRus linky!

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  27. Great post and I loved the post from Chaos in Kent. Both posts are very well said

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  28. I've heard my best friend mention stuff like this too. Fab post xx

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  29. very reasonable post , great post , I try to feel and be happy to pass the emtions to my children x

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  30. This is an awesome post and relates to all kinds of parenting. Has given me a lot to think about

    Laura x x x

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  31. Saved this and Debs' post to come back to when I had more time... I still don't, ahem, so here's a quick reply... Love this, and it's so true. I've said it before; no one should be judging anyone else for how they choose to live, or thinking they understand or could do better. Every situation is different, and we all make our own choices. Offer support if you can, but appreciate that every one is different x

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Many thanks for taking the time to comment, I really value your responses.

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