Tuesday 25 June 2013

Independence

I've been thinking about the concept of independence quite a lot recently. With H about to set off to High School in September, learning to walk to school safely by himself and (attempt to) pack his own bag each day it was bound to be playing on my mind. However, I'm actually referring to independence in the context of his younger siblings - because H IS actually gaining independence, and in a terrifying-but-oh-so-liberating way I am watching him grow and mature with a smile on my face day by day. In fact that smile is fairly smug if the truth be told, since we have come within a hair's breadth of total exclusion, Special Needs placement, PRU and respite care more times than I care to remember over the past years. But there he is, eleven and a half - going on 15 in oh so many ways and yet still emotionally so very young. Yes, I'm pretty smug about that.

But the twins are a different "kettle of fish" entirely. A in particular hangs on to me, paws at me, "needs" me in a way his older brothers never did. You might say this is not that surprising given that he has complex health issues - but so does H, and so do an awful lot of other children I know who do not have this strong immature attachment at seven and a half.

I've pondered this at great length, with a large dose of self blame and not a great deal of clarity or insight. But today, whilst baking their "free from" sausage rolls, the penny dropped. Or more precisely, H's cat decided to steal one when my back was turned - and the complete over-reaction this precipitated and the depths of despair I felt caused the "penny" to sink firmly and completely at last.

Babies and young children depend so completely on their mothers for food and care (well, usually their mothers - let's not get caught up in a circular politically correct argument) and the umbilical cord of pregnancy in fact continues metaphorically well into childhood. There are many papers and books written about children's development and their growing independence - how they learn to loosen the ties sufficiently to promote healthy independence. (This isn't an essay requiring careful annotation and quite honestly I would rather get my point across but you can of course google.) I do remember reading such a book when J was small, how it depicted a child's mother at the centre of a number of concentric circles. Each circle represented the distance a child of a particular age would stray from its mother, with each circle's radius growing as the child grew older. I remember we considered this a completely crazy idea at the time, since J would enjoy wandering and never once look back - secure in the knowledge that his Mum would never be far behind him!

Which is, in a convoluted way, my point. You need that security, that certainty for independence. And it is an interesting fact that children who are pushed away too fast often end up being more clingy or withdrawn, because they lack that secure foundation. Any child with additional issues to cope with, be they health or social, economic or political will probably (and I am no sociologist or psychologist) take longer to develop that natural and increasing independence from their parents as they grow up to be their own person and make their way in the world.

So yes, you could argue that the twins have had a lot to deal with and it is understandable that they might be a bit clingy. But there is something more. That metaphorical umbilical cord - it's all about feeding and sustenance. To be independent you need your basic needs met and you need them to be second nature, 100% reliable. Children on medically restricted diets all too often lack that basic security for several reasons.

With my two, I am the only person in their world who can safely feed them. Now aside from the fact that that is a huge burden for me - it's a MASSIVE restriction for them. Socially of course - at parties, school lunches, holidays, eating out - I have to provide their food at virtually all these occasions. But emotionally the knowledge that they could not feed themselves, that there is only ONE person who is fully familiar with their needs and medications, allergies and restrictions is one Hell of a restriction and a major impediment to independence.

You might challenge that and ask what is so odd about children relying on their mother for their food - but they are 7. And a half. (Very important that half when you are 7!) They cannot eat anything without thinking, checking and having it confirmed as safe. Throw in a generous dollop of fear that they might become unwell if the food giver gets it wrong, and you begin to realise their level of dependency.

They are the ones who hang back at cake sales, or open their "safe" cake from home. They are the children who have a biscuit from their teacher, which was sent from home when the school have a "French Cafe" to experience other cultures. They will be the ones unable to fully participate in the "Bushcraft" trips in Key Stage 2 because it is absolutely NOT the idea for me to tag along, and how would that promote the independence such an event is held for the purpose of encouraging?

Children on exclusion diets (or those tube fed) are held back in SO many ways, denied their natural right to independent life. Later on, they will learn to read packets and navigate their own way through the minefield that is food labelling. But for now, that's my job. I'm sure there is the inevitable dose of bad parenting, with not a little over-protection at the more daunting times too but I won't apologise for either. I'm human like the rest and we muddle through. But I can at last understand one of the reasons why they are perhaps in some ways overly dependent.

So, given that the penny has well and truly landed........ what now? What can I do to help tackle this? Firstly, I think I need to really focus on the one thing I have avoided - for good reason. I've tried to limit their knowledge and the time they see me spend thinking about food and ingredients, because they are children. We crave normality and my version of Health Eating is that food is fuel, and that we shouldn't dwell too much on unhealthy concerns about eating or try to demonise certain foods. (Health Eating Blog post here) But I think we are now moving into "Health Development" and "Healthy LIVING", where knowledge can indeed by power and might release the twins a little from their dependency. For them, "Healthy" is to feel secure that their fuel source is secure and safe, and that THEY are involved.

So this summer, whilst we will be enjoying a lot of time together, I will be working on loosening those ties a little and preparing the ground for passing on that baton of self care. With a good few cookery sessions thrown in too hopefully I can empower them and build some confidence to take those baby steps to greater independence. Power to the Little People.

Dedicated to my friend Renata at "Just bring the Chocolate" who is the best example I know of teaching her little people to be independent. 

24 comments:

  1. Also published on The Recipe Resource http://thereciperesource.blogspot.co.uk/2013/06/independence.html

    ReplyDelete
  2. Well done to you! Looking forward to read about your cookery lesson!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Will you be blogging about this journey and the cooking lessons? Sounds lovely x

    ReplyDelete
  4. Wow, you've got a lot deal with. This is a really interesting post and it sounds like you're coping with everything brilliantly.

    ReplyDelete
  5. very interesting to read, and good to hear they are all gaining independence. I have one of mine with special needs too and at the moment it seems a long way off that he could gain any independence. he would wander off without a second glance! but he needs so much help to do the simple things

    anna

    ReplyDelete
  6. love the idea of using cooking and learning about food in this way, well done :) x

    ReplyDelete
  7. We have been ding a lot of cooking since, maybe I should Blog about our efforts now! Thanks all x

    ReplyDelete
  8. I hope things have been going well since you wrote the post and plenty of cooking lessons have been undertaken and enjoyed :)

    ReplyDelete
  9. Gosh, so much for you all to consider! Have you written a follow up post to this? Would be good to see how things have been going :)

    ReplyDelete
  10. Thank-you for posting, it's a privilege to read about and I have uttermost admiration for your patience and insight. My daughter has a physical disability that requires some help with eating, but nothing on this scale. It must be particularly challenging having twins & juggling that developmental stage. It sounds like a cooking lessons will be a very positive thing to do, I hope you all enjoy them.

    ReplyDelete
  11. A tough balance to strike. It sounds like you've done a great job so far and have a strong plan for taking them to the next stage of their lives. Good luck with the cooking lessons x

    ReplyDelete
  12. I note this was written in June so I hope it started the journey and that you've seen the progress you wanted, with them more involved.
    Sounds like a big burden for you to carry alone and great to include them.
    What you said: "And it is an interesting fact that children who are pushed away too fast often end up being more clingy or withdrawn, because they lack that secure foundation. - See more at: http://musingssahm.blogspot.co.uk/2013/06/independence.html#.UtBzm_ZkJtQ"
    Wow I have been saying that for years - it is so so so very true and you say it in such a spot on way - I have seen it with my cousin's children (to ill effect).
    Liska x

    ReplyDelete
  13. I think I need to post an update soon :) Thanks Liska x

    ReplyDelete
  14. Reading this makes me need to find out how it all went - noticed your comment above so will await the update x

    ReplyDelete
  15. I think cooking with them and learning about ingredients is a great plan. Can't wait to read about how you got on x

    ReplyDelete
  16. There is a sequel on my Recipe Blog now http://thereciperesource.blogspot.co.uk/2014/01/biscuit-bake-off.html

    ReplyDelete
  17. I'm wondering how things all turned out? Would love to hear hopw you all got on.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. http://thereciperesource.blogspot.co.uk/2014/01/biscuit-bake-off.html

      Delete
  18. I think we all need an update post to see how things have gone since x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. http://thereciperesource.blogspot.co.uk/2014/01/biscuit-bake-off.html there you go :)

      Delete
  19. Hope you've been enjoying the cookery lessons

    ReplyDelete
  20. Really interesting. My twins are two years old and not showing any sign of independence yet. Good luck and keep us posted xx

    ReplyDelete
  21. I've always had food intolerances. My twins suffered with intolerances to, among other things, fruit and tomatoes and my eldest son was lactose intolerant until he was 5 or 6. luckily all of us mostly outgrew our issues and are okay now as long as we don't go overboard. My youngest is also lactose intolerant and has just been referred to further testing to see if he is coeliac. So I understand where you are coming from although I took a different approach and fully immersed them into the world of food labels and knowing what they could eat safely. But maybe that was because it is something I have always done for myself, I'm sure both ways have their own pros and cons.
    I have bookmarked your recipe blog in case O does turn out to be coeliac. Thanks for linking up #multiplemadness

    ReplyDelete
  22. It gets harder letting them being independent as they get older too, my son is 10 and it's really hard! Great read #multiplemadness

    ReplyDelete

Many thanks for taking the time to comment, I really value your responses.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...